No Secret Formulas

I've learned some things.  I did plenty of research on attachment before we left for Ukraine (like, absurd amounts...), but now that I've lived it for myself, I have some tips.

Take them for what they're worth. Disclaimer: I'm not an expert, doctor, or social worker.  I've only adopted and attached to one kid instead of 6 (Yes, some people have done this.  Go, them!), and I'd say Carter's attachment journey has been relatively smooth and uneventful.  But, at least take a second to read them...these have worked for us, and they might work for someone else.

{1}.  YUMMY.  Carter was capable of feeding himself finger food from the day we met him (although the orphanage said he had only eaten pureed food....ha).  However, instead of letting him feed himself, we've chosen to feed him.  Even now, after 4 months, I still usually feed him lunch, and Jake usually feeds him dinner.  Yes, even if it's an easy finger food.  Yes, even if our meal is sitting there getting cold.  Yes, even if people think I'm weird for feeding my almost 4 year old.  Right now, it's all about attaching.  And meeting one of his most basic needs is a great way to bond.

And while we're talking about feeding, we made sure that we were the ONLY ones feeding him.  Nobody else should be meeting that need.

{2}. SCRUB A DUB.  In our first weeks home, and even now, Jake or I regularly bring Carter in the shower with us.  Too much info?!  Sorry.  Anyone who has had a preemie knows how children benefit & bond with skin-to-skin contact.  Hard to do with a wiggly toddler - unless your in the tub or shower together (or a swimming pool, if you're blessed to live in a nice climate!).  Carter loves the water, so this has never been an issue for him...thank goodness.

If he's not in the shower with us, but instead just taking a bath...we still try to rub his back or make some kind of contact periodically throughout the bath.  Every little bit helps.

{3}.  READ TO ME.  In our first 2-3 weeks home, the thought of having Carter sit and read a book seemed ridiculous.  But once he was able to sit for 3-4 minutes at a time, we started plopping him on our laps and reading to him.  We found his favorites (quick rhyming books, for sure) and read them over & over & over.  What he doesn't realize is that while he's listening to his favorite story, he's also nestled on our laps, all snuggled in.  Instant bonding.

{4}. MOMMY & DADDY ONLY.  In our first months home, we've worked very hard to make sure that Carter is ONLY bonding to Jake & I.  We've had the mindset that any other bonding that takes place is interfering with his attachment to us.  It's been hard.  Really hard.  But don't give up - you'll be glad you stood your ground in the end.  Set guidelines and stick to them.  Do some research with things like feeding and changing, and talk to your guy about what some good guidelines would be for your situation.  Obviously if your child is going to day care, you can't say 'nobody holds our child but us' - but you could still say 'no snuggling/hugging/kissing'.  Figure out what works for you and go with it.

{5}. DISCIPLINE.  I know, it doesn't seem like something that would foster attachment.  In our situation, I really think it has helped.  Carter has developed a very strong willed personality.  We love that he knows what he wants and is willing to try to get it.  BUT....it means that we have to discipline him regularly.  Each child is drastically different, but Carter gets a hand tap.  And he doesn't like it very much.  But we immediately pick him up, comfort him, tell him he's okay, and when he's settled he can go back to playing.  Some may say we're confusing him by being the disciplinarian AND the comforter....but isn't it a parent's job to do both?  I think if you do it effectively, then it can be very successful.  And we are seeing that in Carter, for sure.  It really works to cover that discipline with love.

{6}. WAIT.  I've said it before here - but when you think your child is ready for something, wait a little longer.  School/therapy is one of those areas for Carter that we've chosen to wait.  We can't wait to get him into speech therapy, but we feel that right now his attachment is more important.  I've heard people say that kids should be home for one year before going to any type of school or therapy...and while I feel like that might be right for us, it may not be right for others.  I get that.  But what you need to understand is that in those first months that your child is home, you're still learning them.  Meaning - you don't really know them.  And if you don't really know them, how can you decide what is best for them?  Is it worth it to take the risk and just make a big guess?  Probably not.  Wait.  You'll be glad you did.

{7}.  QUIET DOWN.  This was hard for Jake & I, because like I've said before - we were goers.  But quieting down has great benefits - not only for your new child, but your entire family.  Going to Chuck-E-Cheese the week you get home would likely be a mistake.  Would you take a newborn there?  Probably not.  Just take some time to chill out.  Settle in.  Get used to being together as a family, learning each other.

{8}. SAY NO.  This is hard.  But you have to learn to tell people 'no'.  I hated telling that sweet man in church that he couldn't hold Carter.  This man had given financially toward our adoption, he had prayed for us every step of the way, he had encouraged us when we felt hopeless - and now he just wants to hold our kid, and we're telling him 'no'.  I felt like I absolutely crushed him.  Thankfully, he understood.

If you have your guidelines in place, and you expect them to work - you HAVE to learn to say no.  You can do it nicely, but you've got to speak up and be firm.  I explained to a friend at church (who had reached out to take him from me) why we weren't letting anyone hold him.  I was expecting a battle, but I was shocked when she apologized and said she completely understood.  If I had just passed him over, too afraid to say no, it would have become the 'norm' - and would have been really difficult to stop in the future.  It's not always this easy, and some people will need to be reminded over & over - but it's worth it.  Speak up for your child, and don't feel bad for doing it.

{9}. TOUCH.  Whenever you can, however you're able, touch your child.  This is definitely something they do NOT do in the orphanage.  I touch Carter's face, rub his arms, hold his hands....anything I can do to create that bond.  After bath, Jake gives him a lotion rub down (it's tough being Carter....).  When I'm talking to him, I touch him.  When I'm carrying him, I rub his back.  Now, I do it without realizing that I'm doing it.  It's habit.

{10}.  ROUTINE.  Carter knows, without a doubt, that his breakfast/playtime/bye-bye/lunch/dinner/bath/bedtime routines are the same every.single.day.  He knows what comes next, and will sign it for us in case we forget :)  Routine has built trust.  Carter trusts that we're going to care for him, and that we've created a safe & predictable place for him.  He's not anxiously wondering what comes next - he knows what is next, and trusts us to meet his needs.

That's what has worked for us.  Is it a perfect equation, the same for every child and family?!  Heck, no!  That's why attachment is so hard!  If one book could answer each problem for every family, there would be no attachment issues.  Ever.

But if you're still not sure about all this attachment stuff, you could check out these links.  They really helped us in researching all of this.

Tons of articles on attachment, bonding, attachment activities, etc.

++Empowered To Connect: Video series by Karyn Purvis (free....16 videos...check it out!)

Ten Tips for the First Year of Placement by Deborah Gray

++++++++++++

Are we totally attached?  No.  Not yet.  But we're really making some serious progress - especially in the last month or so.  Find out what works for you, and go with it.

One Thing I Know For Sure: We're getting there.  And that's good enough for me!

2 Months Home - How We're Doing, Really.

This is a question I get all the time.  "Everything sounds great, but how are you really doing?!".  So today, right now, I'm going to spare you the "oh, good - we're doing really good" answer, and give you the real deal.  Raw and unabridged.

Because the truth is, we are doing good.  Really good.  But there is so, so much more to it than that.

The last 2 months (and one day...!) have been hard.  They've been messy.  They've been exhausting.  They've been confusing.  Any new mommy & daddy would say the same thing - newborn or otherwise.  But bringing a 3 year old into a brand new family is different.  Not harder or easier - just different.  Carter came with an established personality - a muddy past - and an attachment to....well - no one, really.

I think I was naive to think that after we got home, if we just got that boy some love and some healthy food that we'd be on the road to success.  In part, this is true.

Huge difference, right?!

We have seen the difference that a little lovin' makes - and it's huge.  Monumental.  But this 3 year old boy needs more than a little love and veggies.

Like discipline.  How do you discipline someone you're trying desperately to attach to?  Very carefully.  Being a preschool teacher for 7 years - I have all they keys to unlock the mysterious mind of a naughty preschooler.  I know just what to say and just how to handle the most out-of-control child.  And on top of that, they would love me in return.  But Carter is different.  He is fragile.  Don't let his healthy figure and cute smile fool you.  He is fragile.  He is trying to explore his world.  His new world.  He is working out, in his mind, all the exciting - intriguing - incredible things around him.  And when I see his mind working, and the gears are turning - it's hard for me to step in and say 'NO!'.  I do say no-no.  Often.  But each time, I wonder if that's really what's best.  I know - he needs to learn discipline - and he does understand no-no.  But this kid is just walking around, enjoying life.  Totally sucking the marrow out of it.  And we're telling him 'no-no'.

Sometimes, Carter gets a gentle hand tap.  Enter, Christmas tree (so stinkin' glad it's gone!).  And I know he needs that little slap, but as I'm doing it, I can't help but wonder who has done it in the past.  Not on his hands - but on his face, head, back...?  And again, I wonder if that's really what's best.

See what I mean?  Messy.

We are go-ers.  Always on the go.  It's our nature.  Being-doing-seeing-going is in our blood, somehow.  But as a family who just brought home a 3 year old, 'going' should not be part of our daily activities.  In fact - instead of being-doing-seeing-going, we should be sitting-listening-quieting-holding.  It's easier said than done, trust us.  After spending 30+ days in a tiny apartment in Ukraine, we were ready to hit the ground running the day we got home.  And we couldn't.  Then, after a week of staying home - we were ready to get back to our old being-doing-seeing-going ways.  A tip to those of you about to embark on this incredible journey:  When you think your child is ready for xyz, wait another week.  When you think you're ready for xyz, wait another 2 weeks.  Once you let that person snuggle your baby, or you start running errands with your child, or whatever - it's really, really hard to get it back.  It's nearly impossible to go back and say 'you're snuggling too much' or to tell yourself 'the errands can wait until later' - because it's already been done - so what can the harm be in doing it more?!

See what I mean?  Exhausting.  Confusing.  This is the reality of adoption.  I don't ever want to make this journey look easy.  It's not.

That's not to say that it's not good.  That it's not incredible.  Amazing.  Rewarding.  Because of course, it is all of those things.  But it's not easy.

Recently we've been noticing that Carter generally doesn't choose us.  He doesn't necessarily look for us.  He will excitedly reach out to be held by strangers.  This is not so good.  We know, it's only been two months.  But we've had to take a little step back in our attachment process, and re-do - or maybe un-do - some things.  Less snuggles and kisses from others.  More snuggles and kisses from us (if that's even possible!).  We know that we'll get there - but we only have one shot at this.  We can't worry about stepping on someones toes when our son's attachment is at stake.

Someone recently told me we shouldn't worry about attachment, because he'll naturally attach to us - eventually.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way when we're dealing with a newly-adopted 3 year old.  Everyone's an expert, you know?!

So, as I'm sitting here enjoying my coffee - rambling on about attachment....my sweet boy is laughing big belly laughs in his highchair, enjoying the last bits of breakfast.  Please, don't misunderstand.  We are so abundantly blessed.  Incredibly happy.  But don't think for a second that this is a piece of cake.

It's tough stuff - this adoption journey.  But so, so worth it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

In the past month, Carter has picked up so many new things.  We're really amazed with how quickly he learns and implements new signs.  In the past week or so, he's added 'milk', 'water', 'cat', 'bird', 'baby' (for 'Baby Signing Time'...no, I'm not having a baby, people!) , and 'shoes'.  He's been babbling a little more - and not just the same 'ahhh-ahhh-AH' sound.  Lots of different syllables and sounds that we've not heard from him before.  He's also been enjoying the freedom of using his voice.  At home, he can sometimes be loud and silly - he laughs for no apparent reason.....I think because he CAN.  Nobody is going to tell him to stop or be quiet.

Physically, he's been making strides, too.  The walking is going well - and we've been just waiting for him to figure out how to go from a 'sit' to a 'stand' without the use of a couch or a wall.  Well - yesterday, he did it.  He was sitting on the floor, and he just got his little legs where they needed to be....and he stood right up.  My heart almost burst - you just don't know how proud I am to watch our boy learn new things.

A lot more 'heart burst' moments ahead, I'm sure.  This mama is ready!

+++++++++++++++++++++++

I've been getting a slew of nasty comments from all those adoption-hating trolls.  I can take it - they don't really affect me.  However, they've recently been attacking another sweet Reece's Rainbow family in the comments that they leave here.  I know, it's ridiculous.  But because these comments could affect and hurt other people - I'm turning on 'comment moderation'.  That means that if you leave me a comment, I'll have to approve it before it gets posted.  I'll still have to read their absurd comments, but at least they won't be posted here for others to read.

Really, I just don't get it.  As I've said before - move along, ugliness.

++++++++++++++++++++++

2 months home.  Some days it feels like years - only because he fits in so well.  And other days, we're reminded that this is still all so new and fresh for Carter.

2 months home.  I got a text from my Uncle Greg yesterday - 'when are you adopting again, I'm running out of chocolate!'.  Love it.  I guess it's time to start praying about the next one.

Okay - maybe not :)

2 months home.  Praising God for our friends & family who have walked alongside us the past two months.  Grateful they understand that this is tough stuff.

2 months.

One Thing I Know For Sure: 2 months - 60 days - 1,440 hours....Loved every one of the 86,400 minutes.

Attachment.

Attachment.

It's weird.  After 3 weeks + 1 day home, I can say that it's not at all what I expected.  It's not harder or easier than I thought - just...different.  It requires us to be intentional.  It requires us to be 'present', and pay attention to Carter's needs...literally every waking moment.

Exhausting - yes.  But I know it will be so, so worth it.

Do I think he has attached to us yet?  Well, no.  Not quite.

We are most definitely attached to him - we love him to pieces.  But that doesn't mean that he's attached to us.  He likes us, I think.  And he may be starting to feel love for us.  But is he attached?  No.  It's a long, strange journey - this attachment stuff.

I will say that knows his home.  He knows that when we walk in these doors, he can relax and be himself.   He knows he is safe.  I think that shows we're moving in the right direction.

But are we there yet?  Heck, no.

And that's okay :)

Something we have to keep in mind is that while we are trying to cuddle-snuggle-make eye contact...our three and a half year old boy is, by nature, desperately trying to gain his own independence.

I will say that one thing that has made this attachment a little easier for us than it has been for other families is the fact that Carter often does like to cuddle.  He comes to us for snuggles and loves.  It makes the bonding so much easier.  I can't imagine trying to bond with a child who is on the go 100% of the time.  It's nothing we're doing - it's just part of his personality.  Thank GOD!

It's a strange, long, winding journey - for sure.  And at the same time, it's a really beautiful thing.

Like I said....it's just, different.  And we're enjoying every minute.

One Thing I Know For Sure: We'll get there.  But in the meantime - we're just relishing in every moment.

Da, Da, Da...

This morning's visit was another 2 hours spent on the couch, in the hallway.  But it was good...Carter was a super happy boy, and we had so much fun watching him laugh!

At the beginning of our visit, we wrote a note to the nannies and asked if we could watch Carter eat lunch after our visit.

"Da, da, da!" - which means 'yes, yes, yes'.  Call us crazy, but we took it literally.  More on this later.

When she brought Carter out to us, he came to me right away, and was laughing.  He took a few steps toward me, unassisted.  He's never done that (at least not in our presence) before!

We brought along a few of his clothes and shoes to see if they would fit.  We have been worried that the 24 mos/2T would be too small.  Well - we were wrong!  We brought a 24mos sweatshirt, and even over his layers it was slightly big.  This is good!  He'll grow into it soon, I'm sure.

We also tried some shoes, based on the outline that we made of his foot on our last trip.  We bought size 6 shoes....but they were a little big.  Should have gone with a 5 :)  But they'll work for now!

Hey guys - I really like these new shoes you got me!

I love to hug my mama!

Since he did so good taking a few steps toward me when the nanny brought him out, we decided to walk him around a bit, and see if he would do it again!

He LOVED walking back and forth from me to Jake - he just thought it was hilarious!  And he did a great job!

And of course, we spent lots of time enjoying this boy's laughter.  It's contagious!

After a little while, a nanny brought Carter a sweet croissant filled with...fig?  Or something.  At first, he showed some interest in taking it from me - he was definitely thinking about it.  But once we got it close to his mouth, he turned away.  He's just not ready to take it from us yet.  The level of trust isn't quite there yet.  And that's okay.  It's a work in progress...and it's moving at his pace...we're getting there :)

Which brings me to something I've been meaning to blog about, but just haven't done it yet.  Some of you have emailed and asked about Rachel being on this trip, and how it might affect our attachment and bonding with Carter.  Obviously the first days/weeks/months of attachment are vital in establishing a positive, successful parent-child relationship.  First let me say that we are cautious about how much time he spends on her lap or in her arms.  He sees her, he plays with her, he laughs with her, but it's usually from my lap. He has sat on her lap, he has been held by her - but it's only been for a minute or two.  She understands fully that the point of these visits is to work on US bonding with Carter.  She's along to spend time with him, yes - (amongst other reasons...!), but she gets that the visits are really about us getting to know Carter, and Carter becoming comfortable with us.  We're blessed that Rachel understands all of this, and is willing to cooperate!

With that being said, if you are coming after us - and are contemplating bringing an older child or adult helper - we would say that for us it has been a great fit.  It's probably not for every couple, but it works for us. Before you do this, be sure that you're compatible with this person.  I'm sure this trip would be long and miserable if we didn't mesh with Rachel.  Also, be sure that this person fully understands attachment and all that goes with it (only parents feed the child, only parents change the child, only parents meet the child's needs, only parents comfort the child when he's upset/crying, etc.) - at least for the first few weeks. So, if you're lucky enough to find someone who you think you could spend multiple weeks with (during some of the most emotional and stressful weeks of your life!) and who also understands adoption/attachment - then we say 'go for it'!

Anyhow...back to the visit :)

After our visit, we went back into the groupa and reminded the nanny that we were going to watch him eat lunch.  Remember, she said 'da, da, da'.  :)

Well she started going on & on in Russian.  She didn't seem too happy.  So we called Eugene to have him talk to her and translate.  He told us that she said it's a 'general rule' that nobody watch the children eat.

Hmm...that's funny.  2 hours ago, you said 'da, da, da'.  What changed?!  We're pretty sure the grumpy office lady made a visit to the groupa, and it probably came up in conversation.  I'm sure this office lady reminded the nanny of the 'general rule' - and that was that.

So - we left.  A little disappointed - but it is what it is!  We'll head back this afternoon for more fun!

One Thing I Know For Sure: It's soooo nap time now....

Reality.

I try to live in the realm of reality - but it's been hard in this process.  There is so much that we want so badly to be true, that we claim it as a reality.  Nothing wrong with claiming & believing- but we need to keep in touch with reality, too.  Here are some of the (harsh?) realities of adoption...

Reality #1 - We are not saints. 
Jake & I are normal people.  In fact, I'm not even sure we'd qualify for that.  We're just 2 kids, who very soon will be 2 parents.  We're 2 kids who are doing our best to follow God's plan for our lives.  Just 2 kids, really.  We're not doing this because we're 'really good people' or 'special' - nope.  Just 2 kids.  Anyone can do this.  Anyone.

Reality #2 - We're not ready to be parents.
Were you ready to be a mom?  Was your husband ready to be a daddy?  No way.  We feel so inadequate at times.  Our first child, special needs - no less.  What do we have to offer him?  What can we possibly give him?

Love.  And that's what we'll do.  Because some days, we feel that's all we'll have to offer.  We're excited. Really excited.  Thrilled.  Ecstatic.  Can.Not.Wait.

But there is a piece - maybe a big piece - that just screams "I'm not ready for this!".  And that's okay.

Reality #3 - You have no idea what we're going through.
Unless you've done it, you just don't know.  And by 'done it' - I don't mean had kids.  I mean adopted a child with special needs, internationally.  You're clueless - just admit it.  And that's okay, too.

Just know that it's hard.  It's lonely.  It's sometimes terrifying.  We need your love, your prayers, your encouragement.  We do not need (or want) your opinions.  They don't matter.  I'm sorry if that hurts you - but it's the truth.

Reality #4 - We might not come home with Carter.
We've known this from day one - and I've debated sharing it here, because I don't want to scare our family & friends.  But I've decided that if something should happen, I'd like to have those questions answered now - and not have to answer them in the middle of a dark valley.

There is a chance that Carter has been adopted, or is not available to be adopted.  This does not happen often - it's rare, in fact.  But it does happen.  It would not be the fault of anybody.  Not us, not Reece's Rainbow, not Carter's government.  This country does not pull the child's paperwork from their file until the parents are there, sitting in the office.  Therefore, Carter could be adopted days before we get there, by someone else.

If that happens, then we grieve.  We cry.  And we move onward.  And after much prayer, we trust God to show us who our child is.

Because we don't know who our child is.  But our big God does know.  He's known since the beginning of time who our child would be.  We're trusting Him - even in difficult situations like this.

Of course we're praying that this isn't the case - Carter has already found a home in our hearts, and we hate the thought of bringing someone else home.  But it's possible.  And those would be the moments that we don't need your opinion.

Reality #5 - Attachment sometimes sucks.
Excuse my lingo - but I'm being blunt.  It's hard.  It's a long & laborious journey.  It doesn't happen over night.  It may take months - even years - to feel fully attached and connected.  In fact, we may never feel like we're completely connected.  And that's okay.  All we can do is offer him everything we have.  All we can do is totally put ourselves out there, and pray it works.

Attachment starts in the orphanage.  With each visit, our goal is to gain his trust and get to know him.  We're not just going there to play with him.  We're going there to begin connecting.  It's the foundation of attachment.

Reality #6 - We may be in Carter's country a long, long time.
We may even need to make 3 trips, instead of 2.  The way court works in the capital city (where we'll be) is like court in Washington D.C. vs. court in little old Winnebago County.   Our court date might not be until 4-5 weeks after we get there.  After court, there is a 10 day waiting period, and then another week or so of paper chasing.  We're hoping and praying that Carter will be home by Thanksgiving - but it just might not happen that way.  That's just how the process goes, and we're going to do our best to be flexible.

One Thing I Know For Sure: Sometimes...reality stinks!

Why's Answered...Part 2!

No, you didn't miss 'Part 1' - it was published over a year ago, while we were in the process of adopting Carter.  You can read those questions and answers HERE.

I decided to do an updated 'Whys Answered' because we still get lots of questions.  Maybe one year from today, I'll do another one :)  Or maybe I'll be so busy after adopting our sibling set of 5 that I just won't have time...

....oh my word.  Completely kidding.  Get back in your chairs, pick up your jaws, and read on.

:)

+How is Carter doing?
GREAT.  Really, he's great.  He knows lots of signs, is starting to use words, and throws a pretty impressive tantrum.

+Does he understand English?
Yes, for sure.  He does NOT understand English like a typical 4 year old understands it.  And many times, if we use a command like 'Put that away' he will look at us blankly.  But he DOES understand basic communication.  It helps me to think of his 'age of understanding' to be the same as the number of months he's been home.  He's been home about 8 months, so I think he understands English as a 8 month old would understand it.  Does that make sense?  I think the longer he's been home, the more quickly he'll 'age' - and eventually he will be 'caught up' on what he understands.

+Does he sleep good?
It depends when you ask this.  If you would have asked a month ago, I would have said HECK no!  But currently, he is back to taking 2+ hour naps, and sleeping 10 hours at night.  Pretty sure we can thank a growth spurt for that.

+Is he always happy?  Because most kids with Down syndrome are always happy, right?
Ha.  This is funny to any parent who has a child with Down syndrome.  I will say that Carter has a very sunny disposition, and he's usually a sweet, loving, carefree kid.  Usually.  But Carter screams - tantrums - and cries just like any other kid when he doesn't get his way.  As long as we're talking about it - it's really not fair to 'generalize'.  Kids with Down syndrome are KIDS.  They all have different personalities - different strengths & weaknesses - and different dispositions.  Think about how you feel when you hear people generalize all women as being 'moody' - 'meant for the kitchen' - 'materialistic' - fill in the blank.  They're not all sunny, all the time - and it's unfair to classify them as such.

+Does he talk?
No, but he CERTAINLY communicates.  He continues to use sign language, and we're amazed how quickly he picks up new signs.  He will learn to talk eventually, but for now we're happy he's using signs.

+Won't using sign language limit his need for being verbal?
I'm no expert, and I don't have an article to back this up - but I'd say no.  The purpose (for us) in using sign language was to give him a way to communicate before the words came.  For us - sign language has done exactly what it's 'supposed to'.  He uses signs to communicate his needs.  Without signs, he would be constantly pointing and whining.  If moving from a Russian-speaking orphanage to an English-speaking home wasn't frustrating enough, not giving him ANY way to communicate would have REALLY messed with him.  Signing also helps him feel like he has SOME control.  He can tell me if he wants milk or water.  He can tell us that he wants to go in the car.  Without signing, that feeling of control would be gone.  And really, a four year old needs to feel like he is capable of making simple choices.

+Is he still in a crib?
Yes.  And he will be in a crib until we feel like it's safe enough to move him to a toddler bed.  He's not tall enough to climb out of the crib yet (and it still has one more slot that it can be moved down to), and when we did try the toddler bed - it ended with a little boy laying in front of his fan at 2am.  There's really no need for him to move right now, so a crib it is.

+Is he potty trained?
Oh boy.  Right now, the answer is no!  But I hope that SOON I will be able to say that we're at least on the ROAD to potty training :)

+Does he still eat everything?
Nope.  In fact, it's getting harder and harder to get Carter to eat new foods.  And some of the foods that he used to love, he will no longer eat on a regular basis (peanut butter, strawberries).  I heard once that kids tastebuds change every few weeks, but I'm not sure if I buy that completely.  I think a BIG part of this is that Carter has recently learned that he DOES have a say around here.  In the orphanage, there was no point in expressing an opinion.  Don't like the borscht today?  Tough.  You're eating it anyway.  But here, he has learned that it's okay to like some things, and not like other things.  So I'm okay with it.

+When does Carter start school?
Carter will start school this fall, likely only 3 mornings a week.  We're hoping he'll be in the Winneconne school district, because we plan to live there (someday...sigh...).  For him, we feel it's important to start him somewhere and KEEP him there, instead of starting him here and then moving him to Winneconne in a few years.  If he 'gets in' to Winneconne, he'll be in the same class for 2 years (with an amazing teacher!), and then will move to kindergarten.  Sounds like a pretty great start, to me.

+Will you be emotional when he starts?
Umm, yes.  I don't even want to think about it.  I know he's ready - I know he needs it - but that doesn't make it any easier on this mama!  Juli - don't make fun of me!  :)

+Do you think he's ready, 'attachment-wise', to be in school?
Yes.  Many experts say that adopted kids should be at home full-time for a full year before they start school.  Well, when Carter starts school he will have been home 10 months.  Not quite a year, but we think he's ready :)  We will also write into his IEP (a plan that all his teachers & aides will follow) that they should not give him hugs, etc - but only high fives.  This will help to solidify the fact that WE are mommy & daddy, and WE will be his source of love & affection.  I know that the teachers in Winneconne are already following things similar to this in other IEP's, so I fully trust that they will follow our wishes.

+Do you think you'll adopt again?
Yes, yes, and yes.  Jake & I agree that adoption is definitely in our future.  When?  No idea.  Where?  No idea.  Special needs?  No idea.  We're just taking things day by day, and we're sure that when it's time, we'll know.

+What about babies?  Can you have kids?
Ummm...I think so?  To be honest, we're just really enjoying Carter right now.  We are loving the fact that we can give him 100% of our attention.  At the same time, I'm not getting any younger.  I'll be 28 in September, people.  Wow - saying that out loud really jolted me.  Twenty-eight.  Holy moly.  Excuse me while I have a mini tantrum....

...okay, I'm back.  As I was saying, my clock is ticking.  We'll see what happens.  But in the meantime, I'm enjoying being Carter's mama, and nobody else's :)

+Do you still miss Ukraine?
So very much.  We hope to go back for a missions trip in the next year or two.  But until we can be there again, we pray for that country & those people.  Truly, a piece of our heart was left there.

+Do you keep in touch with Rachel?
Of course!  She's family!  Rachel still comes to help with Carter once a week so I can get some extra stuff done.  Her dad brings her in the morning on his way to work, and we take her to church in the evening where she watches Carter (so Jake & I can both enjoy the study) - and then she leaves with her parents.  I can't say ENOUGH about how awesome this experience has been.  She has been SO helpful (and she loves folding Carter's laundry...how great is THAT?!?!) - and I really look forward to her days here.  Unfortunately, once little boy starts school she won't be coming each week.  BUT...there is a chance she will be able to help in Carter's classroom at school.  And that will be a great opportunity for her.  But it also makes me laugh a little.  I can only imagine how hard it will be the first few times she's there - because Carter will undoubtedly think that she's there just for him :)

+Do Carter & Moses get along?
Ohhhh yes.  I would say that they love each other.  When Moses rests his head on the side of the bathtub during bath time, Carter always has a kiss for him.  When Moses sits really nice next to the high chair, Carter always tosses him a crumb or two.  They are absolutely buddies, and any disagreements that they've had in the past have been worked out :)

+Is Carter attached to you guys?
Jake and I would both answer yes to this question.  Carter knows we are his mama & daddy.  He still chooses other people over us sometimes, but that just comes with toddlerhood.  He definitely loves us.  He definitely loves his home.  He knows we are his family, without a doubt.  We chose to 'cocoon' for the first 6 months or so after coming home with Carter.  This means that Jake & I were the only ones to meet his needs, give him love & affection, etc.  I know there are different ways to 'do' attachment, but this way definitely worked for us, and we would likely use it again in the future.  It certainly wasn't the easiest on US - but we believe it was the best for Carter.

+What will Carter be like when he's older?
I'd be lying if I said I never wondered about this.  I wonder about it often.  And honestly - I just don't know.  But I guess none of us know who our kids will be when they become adults.  Will they be kind?  Will they look out for others?  Will they be contributing members of society?  We just don't know.  And that's okay.  Much of the gift of raising Carter is found in the unwrapping, not the end product.  So we don't know what the end product will be, but we'll enjoy him where he's at.

So - there ya' have it!  Your questions, answered!  Now you know.....  :)

And just because I wouldn't want you to leave sad:

:)

One Thing I Know For Sure: So enjoying unwrapping this little gift...we are so very blessed!

A Few Last Minutes Details...

The last week has been crazy.  So crazy busy.  I hate that.  Busy - ick.  I crave nights that include nothing more than sitting on the floor with our boy - laughing at his expressions, watching him learn new things.  And instead - we've been busy.  In the morning I usually ask Jake 'whats up for tonight?!'.  When he says 'uhh...nothing!' it's like winning the lottery.

Maybe 2012 will be filled with a whole lot of 'nothing' nights.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Every night after bath time, we all snuggle up on the couch until bedtime.  This is my favorite time of the day.  Everyone is together - we chatter about our day, we laugh at Carter laughing at himself, and we quiet down for the night.  We talk about how far Carter has come - how he's developing such a sweet personality - and we tell him how much we love him.

And he giggles.  He laughs.  We don't know why - we have no idea what he's laughing at - but he sits on our laps, and he laughs.

And we think it's pretty great.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Every day - I have the privilege of scooping this little boy out of his crib and into my arms.

Some days, he melts right into me and it feels like he would snuggle for hours.  Other days, he wants to get down so he can take on the world.  Either way, I am so blessed to be this boy's mama.  I'm so blessed that the Lord chose me.  And I'm so, so blessed that Carter is okay with that.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

We have a busy, busy week.  There's that word again.  Busy.  I see a New Year's Resolution coming on.  Anyhow...where was I...?!

Oh yea - busy week.  Lots of Christmas get-togethers spread out over 4 days.  We're excited about every single one...but can I just say that as excited as we were to be 'home by Christmas'...this could possibly be the worst time to come home.  Working on attachment is hard when you have to be going non stop.  It's not that we don't want to go to all of these things - it's just that we'll have to work extra hard and be more intentional about giving him the care that he needs.  And it also means that we might have to 're-do' some things, or 'un-do' some things after Christmas is over.

I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we get there. You know, when life is less busy :)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

The other day some ladies that I love very much came over for a visit!  These women love Christ, they love His people, and they love to love.  Ever been around people like that?!  It's pretty refreshing.  Exhilarating, even.

Carter enjoyed it, too :)

This kid enjoys life, for sure.

Nothing sweeter.

++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm totally changing subjects here.

I stink at buying Christmas gifts.  Royally stink.  I'm not exaggerating - not in the slightest.  I LOVE buying them - and each time, I think I'm buying the perfect gift.  And then - flop.

Last year, I thought this was the perfect gift for Jake.

What is it?!  Why, it's the back buddy!  As I look at it now, I realize the stupidity of this.  My thought (and really, it's the thought that counts - isn't it?!) was that this would be perfect because Jake is always complaining that his back hurts.  I honestly expected a big hug and a 'wow - way to think of the perfect gift!' on Christmas morning.  Ha.  I'm pretty sure it ended in a spat that continually came up until the summer.  It was the family joke at each Christmas get-together.  Only I wasn't laughing :)

Let me just say that Jake found out about this gift several days before Christmas.  Despite the fact that I used my mom's Amazon account, so that Jake wouldn't find out.  That backfired.  Why would I have to be so secretive about it?!  Because Jake ALWAYS finds out.  He ALWAYS spoils his gifts.  Always.

But this year - well, this year I'm pretty sure that I stinkin' hit it out of the park.  Home run, for sure.  And since he hasn't figured it out yet, I think we're in the clear.  I'll update here after Christmas....  :)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The next post you see here will be our Christmas post.  Hard to believe, really.  Until then - be blessed!  Abundantly - fully - completely blessed.

And share some love.  Carter does!

One Thing Carter Knows For Sure: There's no place like home for the holidays....!

Perspective.

Weekend perfection.  That's what the past 3 days have been.  Doing things that little families do - and wishing Monday would never come.  That's where I'm at as I tippity-tap the keys of this little keyboard.  Wishing tomorrow wasn't Monday.  Wishing Jake didn't have to go back to work...ever.  Wishing time could stand still.

Here's a recap of our perfect weekend...

Carter met his first horse.  We weren't sure how this would go, but we've heard so many good things about equine therapy - we just had to see how he would react.  Let the photos do the talkin'.....

The horse seemed much less scary from the side - so that's where Carter pet him first.

Eventually we moved to the head.

Carter - horse whisperer.

We were so pleased to see Carter's reaction.  He wasn't scared - not even skeptical.  He connected to this horse, and his eyes were glued (sorry for the unintentional horse pun...) to him most of the time.  This really surprised us, because recently Carter has been scared by everything.  Things that he used to like now scare him.  Balloons, shadows, birds, new noises.  All things that freak him out.  Of course, I was concerned.  But there's good news - I recently did some research on the topic (thanks to Juli!) and it sounds like the reason Carter is showing new fears and anxieties is because he's developmentally able to process those fears.  It makes sense when you think about it.  When you bring your newborn home from the hospital, they're not going to get scared if they see a monster on the tv, or a strange shadow on the wall.  Because they can't process it.  But as kids get older, they develop different fears.  So - new fears & anxieties = good stuff.

Carter was tuckered out after all the hard work he did with the horses.  And mama was soaking up the lovins.

Horse introduction - success.  

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Next up - swimming.  Jake's parents have a pool and we've been excited to get Carter in that thing!  We knew he'd love it - no question.  

What we didn't realize is that the water was cold.  Frigid cold.  

"Cold!!"

Do you think the cold slowed this little water bug down?  Nope.

He loved it, and I see lots of swimming pools in our future.  He laughed, he splashed, he shrieked (maybe from the cold...!) - but all in all he did great.  

So much bonding takes place in the water.  He clung to me and his daddy, and it felt so good to know that he needed us.  He reached out to us.  He literally depended on us for his survival.

We've also learned that Carter is 110% Eastern European.  No tan for this little boy!  See?!  He fits right in to our family :)

Notice the arm chub?  Healthy foods have done this boy some serious good.

Little boy was practically exhausted after all that swimming (clinging) he did, and his mama's arms were the perfect place to relax.  Mama didn't mind, either :)

I've talked a lot about attachment here.  I've said that it's a long, strange journey.  That you don't know when it's happened until it happens.  I'm not saying it's finished.  I'm not saying we've arrived.  But this boy knows us.  He loves us.  He is a beloved son, and he knows it.  He has two people who are head-over-heels in love with him, and he knows it.  He will be cared for every day - for the rest of his life - by two crazy, quirky, loving people, and I think maybe he knows THAT, too.

It might be years before we fully arrive, but right now we're in a really good place.  And we're so happy with that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

As the sun officially sets on the weekend, my butt is in a recliner.  All remotes, phones, books, and gadget devices are within reach.  Jake and Carter went on a dinner run.

That can only mean one thing.

Mama hurts.  My lower back is non-functioning.  No bending - no lifting - no rolling over.  Boo.  I'll be honest - I'm a little ticked about it.  We have big plans for this weekend, and next weekend is someone's birthday party :)  Perfect timing, huh?

What a way to end a perfect weekend.  It's okay.  It's forcing me to reflect.  To appreciate.  Today, Jake said something about moms who hear a 'terminal diagnosis'.  *Side note: we're really not grimm people - we recently watched 'Step Mom' with Julia Roberts & Susan Sarandon.  Excellent movie, fyi.*  Anyhow - here I am with a sore back.  And I cried about it today.  A lot.  Because it hurt, a lot.  But I'm just saying - what do I really have to complain about?  It could be so, so much worse.  Praising GOD for my health - my husband - my sweet boy...really, so much to be thankful for.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including a little back pain...), will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38

One Thing I Know For Sure:  Perspective.  Needed it.

The Day We Came Home...

"Hold on - before we walk out there, let's pray - the four of us."

So we stood before a gracious God, and thanked Him.  This was it.  The journey had come full circle.

Carter was home.

I remember like it was yesterday - hugging Niko, as he said "now - give some hug and some kiss, and go be a family".  Waiting in the airport in Kiev, knowing it would be the last time that our feet would touch the ground of Carters homeland for a very, very long time.  Wishing we could stay, but knowing it was time to leave.  Even today, my heart aches for Ukraine.  But this is for another post....

Walking around the Frankfurt airport with a screaming 3 year old - who was not yet able to be comforted by his mothers soothing touch.  For hours - I walked.  I walked, I prayed, I cried - with a screaming stranger in my baby carrier.

Sitting.  So much sitting on that long flight back to the states.  Nobody slept.  Not even Carter.  He didn't make a peep.  He sat.  He ate.  That was it.

Fluffing hair and changing outfits in Chicago, preparing for our very special, long-awaited flight home to Appleton.

Then - all of a sudden, we were home.  The feeling was indescribable and even one year later, my words fall so short.  The village welcomed us home.  They welcomed us from one chapter of our lives into the next.  Carter walked, and as we swung him in the air, he laughed his best laugh.

A year has come and gone.  365 days.  How did this happen?

Today, Carter is home in every sense of the word.  He is at home in our family.  In our arms.  One year ago, he didn't know the meaning of 'home'.  Today, he knows.

I will be honest.  Year One = hard.  Adoption is not easy.  Anyone who says so is lying.  Attachment is hard, and most people don't understand it.  Disciplining a 3 year old who has lived in three small rooms for his entire life is hard.  Loving a child who doesn't know how to be loved is hard.  Did I ever think I would have to teach my 3 year old how to be held by his mother?  Where to put his arms, and how to wrap his legs?  No.  But we did.  If you had told us that we would need to teach this boy how to get silly and wrestle with his daddy, we would have thought you were crazy.  Because every kid should know that.  Guess what?  Kids who are raised in orphanages don't know much of anything about having fun.  So we've taught him.  And along the way - he's taught us.

We have so much to learn.

Adoption is not easy.  But I'll tell you what it is.
Adoption is a blessing. The biggest, most beautiful blessing.  Yes, even when it's hard.
Adoption is choosing to love.  In the beginning it's hard, but we choose love every day.
Adoption is freedom.  Freedom to love and be loved.

REDEEM: to buy back; to free from what distresses or harms; to free from captivity by payment of ransom; to help to overcome something detrimental; to change for the better; repair; restore

Adoption is redemption.
Adoption is redemption.
ADOPTION IS REDEMPTION.

I still stand amazed as I think about where Carter would be, had God not rescued him.  Look what God did.  Look how He makes all things new.

And then, the more I think - the more I feel like this 'adopted boy' is just our son.  He's just ours.  He's a Gibson.  Adoption will always be a part of him - and we will always celebrate that.  But more than anything - he's just our son.  Plain & simple.

Last night, Jake was at church and I decided to snuggle Carter to sleep.  This is something we haven't done in many months, but it was a special night - and I wanted him close to me.  So I held him, and maybe cried a little, and tried to muster a holy prayer - and all I could come up with was 'Thank you.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU....'.  What a gift we have been given.  What a blessing.  We are undeserving in every way...

++++++++++++++++

If you're still reading along with this 'One Year Ago' series - I thank you.  This is the end.  Because there's nothing more to say.  He's home.  Right where he belongs.

If you'd like to read my post from one year ago, you can see it here.

One Thing I Know For Sure: "God sets the lonely in families...." Psalm 68:6a

We Are Grafted In

I'm excited to tell you that a post that I recently did about our attachment to Carter is being featured today on 'We Are Grafted In'.  If you aren't following this blog yet, and you are (or will be) an adoptive family, I would highly suggest checking it out.  It's a place where adoptive parents can share their stories - experiences - struggles - fears - successes....in a safe, welcoming place.  Because we're in this together - and we need each other.  Your family might think you've lost your mind.  Your friends might think you've gone off the deep end.  But these adoptive families?!  They get it.  They get you.  Been there, done that.  Check it out, follow along, and as my dear friend tells me "learn from our mistakes!!".

+++++++++++++++++++++

As I was reading through the blogs that I follow yesterday, I came across a post that really tugged at my heart.  It's the story of how this particular mama first heard God's call to adopt, and then had 'the talk' with her man, and then stepped out in faith and said 'yes' to God.

She mentioned a post that I wrote while in Ukraine.  Within the post is a video of Carter when he was just starting to waddle around at the orphanage.  It's not Carter that opened her eyes to the orphan crisis (although, I'm sure his adorableness had something to do with it!) - but something else.  Something else that I never noticed until I went back and watched - listened to - the video yesterday.

A cry.  A cry, from an unknown orphan.

And it brought this sweet woman to her knees.

The Lord used this child's cry to melt this sweet mama's heart.  He used this cry, this almost unnoticeable cry - to save another orphan.

How intentional is our big God?!

Very.

How detailed is the Lord?!

Very.

Now, this family is on a journey to adopt little 'Jakob' via Reece's Rainbow.  You can read this particular post and follow along here.

One Thing I Know For Sure: What a Mighty God we serve...!