Perspective.

Weekend perfection.  That's what the past 3 days have been.  Doing things that little families do - and wishing Monday would never come.  That's where I'm at as I tippity-tap the keys of this little keyboard.  Wishing tomorrow wasn't Monday.  Wishing Jake didn't have to go back to work...ever.  Wishing time could stand still.

Here's a recap of our perfect weekend...

Carter met his first horse.  We weren't sure how this would go, but we've heard so many good things about equine therapy - we just had to see how he would react.  Let the photos do the talkin'.....

The horse seemed much less scary from the side - so that's where Carter pet him first.

Eventually we moved to the head.

Carter - horse whisperer.

We were so pleased to see Carter's reaction.  He wasn't scared - not even skeptical.  He connected to this horse, and his eyes were glued (sorry for the unintentional horse pun...) to him most of the time.  This really surprised us, because recently Carter has been scared by everything.  Things that he used to like now scare him.  Balloons, shadows, birds, new noises.  All things that freak him out.  Of course, I was concerned.  But there's good news - I recently did some research on the topic (thanks to Juli!) and it sounds like the reason Carter is showing new fears and anxieties is because he's developmentally able to process those fears.  It makes sense when you think about it.  When you bring your newborn home from the hospital, they're not going to get scared if they see a monster on the tv, or a strange shadow on the wall.  Because they can't process it.  But as kids get older, they develop different fears.  So - new fears & anxieties = good stuff.

Carter was tuckered out after all the hard work he did with the horses.  And mama was soaking up the lovins.

Horse introduction - success.  

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Next up - swimming.  Jake's parents have a pool and we've been excited to get Carter in that thing!  We knew he'd love it - no question.  

What we didn't realize is that the water was cold.  Frigid cold.  

"Cold!!"

Do you think the cold slowed this little water bug down?  Nope.

He loved it, and I see lots of swimming pools in our future.  He laughed, he splashed, he shrieked (maybe from the cold...!) - but all in all he did great.  

So much bonding takes place in the water.  He clung to me and his daddy, and it felt so good to know that he needed us.  He reached out to us.  He literally depended on us for his survival.

We've also learned that Carter is 110% Eastern European.  No tan for this little boy!  See?!  He fits right in to our family :)

Notice the arm chub?  Healthy foods have done this boy some serious good.

Little boy was practically exhausted after all that swimming (clinging) he did, and his mama's arms were the perfect place to relax.  Mama didn't mind, either :)

I've talked a lot about attachment here.  I've said that it's a long, strange journey.  That you don't know when it's happened until it happens.  I'm not saying it's finished.  I'm not saying we've arrived.  But this boy knows us.  He loves us.  He is a beloved son, and he knows it.  He has two people who are head-over-heels in love with him, and he knows it.  He will be cared for every day - for the rest of his life - by two crazy, quirky, loving people, and I think maybe he knows THAT, too.

It might be years before we fully arrive, but right now we're in a really good place.  And we're so happy with that.

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As the sun officially sets on the weekend, my butt is in a recliner.  All remotes, phones, books, and gadget devices are within reach.  Jake and Carter went on a dinner run.

That can only mean one thing.

Mama hurts.  My lower back is non-functioning.  No bending - no lifting - no rolling over.  Boo.  I'll be honest - I'm a little ticked about it.  We have big plans for this weekend, and next weekend is someone's birthday party :)  Perfect timing, huh?

What a way to end a perfect weekend.  It's okay.  It's forcing me to reflect.  To appreciate.  Today, Jake said something about moms who hear a 'terminal diagnosis'.  *Side note: we're really not grimm people - we recently watched 'Step Mom' with Julia Roberts & Susan Sarandon.  Excellent movie, fyi.*  Anyhow - here I am with a sore back.  And I cried about it today.  A lot.  Because it hurt, a lot.  But I'm just saying - what do I really have to complain about?  It could be so, so much worse.  Praising GOD for my health - my husband - my sweet boy...really, so much to be thankful for.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including a little back pain...), will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38

One Thing I Know For Sure:  Perspective.  Needed it.

No Secret Formulas

I've learned some things.  I did plenty of research on attachment before we left for Ukraine (like, absurd amounts...), but now that I've lived it for myself, I have some tips.

Take them for what they're worth. Disclaimer: I'm not an expert, doctor, or social worker.  I've only adopted and attached to one kid instead of 6 (Yes, some people have done this.  Go, them!), and I'd say Carter's attachment journey has been relatively smooth and uneventful.  But, at least take a second to read them...these have worked for us, and they might work for someone else.

{1}.  YUMMY.  Carter was capable of feeding himself finger food from the day we met him (although the orphanage said he had only eaten pureed food....ha).  However, instead of letting him feed himself, we've chosen to feed him.  Even now, after 4 months, I still usually feed him lunch, and Jake usually feeds him dinner.  Yes, even if it's an easy finger food.  Yes, even if our meal is sitting there getting cold.  Yes, even if people think I'm weird for feeding my almost 4 year old.  Right now, it's all about attaching.  And meeting one of his most basic needs is a great way to bond.

And while we're talking about feeding, we made sure that we were the ONLY ones feeding him.  Nobody else should be meeting that need.

{2}. SCRUB A DUB.  In our first weeks home, and even now, Jake or I regularly bring Carter in the shower with us.  Too much info?!  Sorry.  Anyone who has had a preemie knows how children benefit & bond with skin-to-skin contact.  Hard to do with a wiggly toddler - unless your in the tub or shower together (or a swimming pool, if you're blessed to live in a nice climate!).  Carter loves the water, so this has never been an issue for him...thank goodness.

If he's not in the shower with us, but instead just taking a bath...we still try to rub his back or make some kind of contact periodically throughout the bath.  Every little bit helps.

{3}.  READ TO ME.  In our first 2-3 weeks home, the thought of having Carter sit and read a book seemed ridiculous.  But once he was able to sit for 3-4 minutes at a time, we started plopping him on our laps and reading to him.  We found his favorites (quick rhyming books, for sure) and read them over & over & over.  What he doesn't realize is that while he's listening to his favorite story, he's also nestled on our laps, all snuggled in.  Instant bonding.

{4}. MOMMY & DADDY ONLY.  In our first months home, we've worked very hard to make sure that Carter is ONLY bonding to Jake & I.  We've had the mindset that any other bonding that takes place is interfering with his attachment to us.  It's been hard.  Really hard.  But don't give up - you'll be glad you stood your ground in the end.  Set guidelines and stick to them.  Do some research with things like feeding and changing, and talk to your guy about what some good guidelines would be for your situation.  Obviously if your child is going to day care, you can't say 'nobody holds our child but us' - but you could still say 'no snuggling/hugging/kissing'.  Figure out what works for you and go with it.

{5}. DISCIPLINE.  I know, it doesn't seem like something that would foster attachment.  In our situation, I really think it has helped.  Carter has developed a very strong willed personality.  We love that he knows what he wants and is willing to try to get it.  BUT....it means that we have to discipline him regularly.  Each child is drastically different, but Carter gets a hand tap.  And he doesn't like it very much.  But we immediately pick him up, comfort him, tell him he's okay, and when he's settled he can go back to playing.  Some may say we're confusing him by being the disciplinarian AND the comforter....but isn't it a parent's job to do both?  I think if you do it effectively, then it can be very successful.  And we are seeing that in Carter, for sure.  It really works to cover that discipline with love.

{6}. WAIT.  I've said it before here - but when you think your child is ready for something, wait a little longer.  School/therapy is one of those areas for Carter that we've chosen to wait.  We can't wait to get him into speech therapy, but we feel that right now his attachment is more important.  I've heard people say that kids should be home for one year before going to any type of school or therapy...and while I feel like that might be right for us, it may not be right for others.  I get that.  But what you need to understand is that in those first months that your child is home, you're still learning them.  Meaning - you don't really know them.  And if you don't really know them, how can you decide what is best for them?  Is it worth it to take the risk and just make a big guess?  Probably not.  Wait.  You'll be glad you did.

{7}.  QUIET DOWN.  This was hard for Jake & I, because like I've said before - we were goers.  But quieting down has great benefits - not only for your new child, but your entire family.  Going to Chuck-E-Cheese the week you get home would likely be a mistake.  Would you take a newborn there?  Probably not.  Just take some time to chill out.  Settle in.  Get used to being together as a family, learning each other.

{8}. SAY NO.  This is hard.  But you have to learn to tell people 'no'.  I hated telling that sweet man in church that he couldn't hold Carter.  This man had given financially toward our adoption, he had prayed for us every step of the way, he had encouraged us when we felt hopeless - and now he just wants to hold our kid, and we're telling him 'no'.  I felt like I absolutely crushed him.  Thankfully, he understood.

If you have your guidelines in place, and you expect them to work - you HAVE to learn to say no.  You can do it nicely, but you've got to speak up and be firm.  I explained to a friend at church (who had reached out to take him from me) why we weren't letting anyone hold him.  I was expecting a battle, but I was shocked when she apologized and said she completely understood.  If I had just passed him over, too afraid to say no, it would have become the 'norm' - and would have been really difficult to stop in the future.  It's not always this easy, and some people will need to be reminded over & over - but it's worth it.  Speak up for your child, and don't feel bad for doing it.

{9}. TOUCH.  Whenever you can, however you're able, touch your child.  This is definitely something they do NOT do in the orphanage.  I touch Carter's face, rub his arms, hold his hands....anything I can do to create that bond.  After bath, Jake gives him a lotion rub down (it's tough being Carter....).  When I'm talking to him, I touch him.  When I'm carrying him, I rub his back.  Now, I do it without realizing that I'm doing it.  It's habit.

{10}.  ROUTINE.  Carter knows, without a doubt, that his breakfast/playtime/bye-bye/lunch/dinner/bath/bedtime routines are the same every.single.day.  He knows what comes next, and will sign it for us in case we forget :)  Routine has built trust.  Carter trusts that we're going to care for him, and that we've created a safe & predictable place for him.  He's not anxiously wondering what comes next - he knows what is next, and trusts us to meet his needs.

That's what has worked for us.  Is it a perfect equation, the same for every child and family?!  Heck, no!  That's why attachment is so hard!  If one book could answer each problem for every family, there would be no attachment issues.  Ever.

But if you're still not sure about all this attachment stuff, you could check out these links.  They really helped us in researching all of this.

Tons of articles on attachment, bonding, attachment activities, etc.

++Empowered To Connect: Video series by Karyn Purvis (free....16 videos...check it out!)

Ten Tips for the First Year of Placement by Deborah Gray

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Are we totally attached?  No.  Not yet.  But we're really making some serious progress - especially in the last month or so.  Find out what works for you, and go with it.

One Thing I Know For Sure: We're getting there.  And that's good enough for me!

2 Months Home - How We're Doing, Really.

This is a question I get all the time.  "Everything sounds great, but how are you really doing?!".  So today, right now, I'm going to spare you the "oh, good - we're doing really good" answer, and give you the real deal.  Raw and unabridged.

Because the truth is, we are doing good.  Really good.  But there is so, so much more to it than that.

The last 2 months (and one day...!) have been hard.  They've been messy.  They've been exhausting.  They've been confusing.  Any new mommy & daddy would say the same thing - newborn or otherwise.  But bringing a 3 year old into a brand new family is different.  Not harder or easier - just different.  Carter came with an established personality - a muddy past - and an attachment to....well - no one, really.

I think I was naive to think that after we got home, if we just got that boy some love and some healthy food that we'd be on the road to success.  In part, this is true.

Huge difference, right?!

We have seen the difference that a little lovin' makes - and it's huge.  Monumental.  But this 3 year old boy needs more than a little love and veggies.

Like discipline.  How do you discipline someone you're trying desperately to attach to?  Very carefully.  Being a preschool teacher for 7 years - I have all they keys to unlock the mysterious mind of a naughty preschooler.  I know just what to say and just how to handle the most out-of-control child.  And on top of that, they would love me in return.  But Carter is different.  He is fragile.  Don't let his healthy figure and cute smile fool you.  He is fragile.  He is trying to explore his world.  His new world.  He is working out, in his mind, all the exciting - intriguing - incredible things around him.  And when I see his mind working, and the gears are turning - it's hard for me to step in and say 'NO!'.  I do say no-no.  Often.  But each time, I wonder if that's really what's best.  I know - he needs to learn discipline - and he does understand no-no.  But this kid is just walking around, enjoying life.  Totally sucking the marrow out of it.  And we're telling him 'no-no'.

Sometimes, Carter gets a gentle hand tap.  Enter, Christmas tree (so stinkin' glad it's gone!).  And I know he needs that little slap, but as I'm doing it, I can't help but wonder who has done it in the past.  Not on his hands - but on his face, head, back...?  And again, I wonder if that's really what's best.

See what I mean?  Messy.

We are go-ers.  Always on the go.  It's our nature.  Being-doing-seeing-going is in our blood, somehow.  But as a family who just brought home a 3 year old, 'going' should not be part of our daily activities.  In fact - instead of being-doing-seeing-going, we should be sitting-listening-quieting-holding.  It's easier said than done, trust us.  After spending 30+ days in a tiny apartment in Ukraine, we were ready to hit the ground running the day we got home.  And we couldn't.  Then, after a week of staying home - we were ready to get back to our old being-doing-seeing-going ways.  A tip to those of you about to embark on this incredible journey:  When you think your child is ready for xyz, wait another week.  When you think you're ready for xyz, wait another 2 weeks.  Once you let that person snuggle your baby, or you start running errands with your child, or whatever - it's really, really hard to get it back.  It's nearly impossible to go back and say 'you're snuggling too much' or to tell yourself 'the errands can wait until later' - because it's already been done - so what can the harm be in doing it more?!

See what I mean?  Exhausting.  Confusing.  This is the reality of adoption.  I don't ever want to make this journey look easy.  It's not.

That's not to say that it's not good.  That it's not incredible.  Amazing.  Rewarding.  Because of course, it is all of those things.  But it's not easy.

Recently we've been noticing that Carter generally doesn't choose us.  He doesn't necessarily look for us.  He will excitedly reach out to be held by strangers.  This is not so good.  We know, it's only been two months.  But we've had to take a little step back in our attachment process, and re-do - or maybe un-do - some things.  Less snuggles and kisses from others.  More snuggles and kisses from us (if that's even possible!).  We know that we'll get there - but we only have one shot at this.  We can't worry about stepping on someones toes when our son's attachment is at stake.

Someone recently told me we shouldn't worry about attachment, because he'll naturally attach to us - eventually.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way when we're dealing with a newly-adopted 3 year old.  Everyone's an expert, you know?!

So, as I'm sitting here enjoying my coffee - rambling on about attachment....my sweet boy is laughing big belly laughs in his highchair, enjoying the last bits of breakfast.  Please, don't misunderstand.  We are so abundantly blessed.  Incredibly happy.  But don't think for a second that this is a piece of cake.

It's tough stuff - this adoption journey.  But so, so worth it.

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In the past month, Carter has picked up so many new things.  We're really amazed with how quickly he learns and implements new signs.  In the past week or so, he's added 'milk', 'water', 'cat', 'bird', 'baby' (for 'Baby Signing Time'...no, I'm not having a baby, people!) , and 'shoes'.  He's been babbling a little more - and not just the same 'ahhh-ahhh-AH' sound.  Lots of different syllables and sounds that we've not heard from him before.  He's also been enjoying the freedom of using his voice.  At home, he can sometimes be loud and silly - he laughs for no apparent reason.....I think because he CAN.  Nobody is going to tell him to stop or be quiet.

Physically, he's been making strides, too.  The walking is going well - and we've been just waiting for him to figure out how to go from a 'sit' to a 'stand' without the use of a couch or a wall.  Well - yesterday, he did it.  He was sitting on the floor, and he just got his little legs where they needed to be....and he stood right up.  My heart almost burst - you just don't know how proud I am to watch our boy learn new things.

A lot more 'heart burst' moments ahead, I'm sure.  This mama is ready!

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I've been getting a slew of nasty comments from all those adoption-hating trolls.  I can take it - they don't really affect me.  However, they've recently been attacking another sweet Reece's Rainbow family in the comments that they leave here.  I know, it's ridiculous.  But because these comments could affect and hurt other people - I'm turning on 'comment moderation'.  That means that if you leave me a comment, I'll have to approve it before it gets posted.  I'll still have to read their absurd comments, but at least they won't be posted here for others to read.

Really, I just don't get it.  As I've said before - move along, ugliness.

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2 months home.  Some days it feels like years - only because he fits in so well.  And other days, we're reminded that this is still all so new and fresh for Carter.

2 months home.  I got a text from my Uncle Greg yesterday - 'when are you adopting again, I'm running out of chocolate!'.  Love it.  I guess it's time to start praying about the next one.

Okay - maybe not :)

2 months home.  Praising God for our friends & family who have walked alongside us the past two months.  Grateful they understand that this is tough stuff.

2 months.

One Thing I Know For Sure: 2 months - 60 days - 1,440 hours....Loved every one of the 86,400 minutes.

Attachment.

Attachment.

It's weird.  After 3 weeks + 1 day home, I can say that it's not at all what I expected.  It's not harder or easier than I thought - just...different.  It requires us to be intentional.  It requires us to be 'present', and pay attention to Carter's needs...literally every waking moment.

Exhausting - yes.  But I know it will be so, so worth it.

Do I think he has attached to us yet?  Well, no.  Not quite.

We are most definitely attached to him - we love him to pieces.  But that doesn't mean that he's attached to us.  He likes us, I think.  And he may be starting to feel love for us.  But is he attached?  No.  It's a long, strange journey - this attachment stuff.

I will say that knows his home.  He knows that when we walk in these doors, he can relax and be himself.   He knows he is safe.  I think that shows we're moving in the right direction.

But are we there yet?  Heck, no.

And that's okay :)

Something we have to keep in mind is that while we are trying to cuddle-snuggle-make eye contact...our three and a half year old boy is, by nature, desperately trying to gain his own independence.

I will say that one thing that has made this attachment a little easier for us than it has been for other families is the fact that Carter often does like to cuddle.  He comes to us for snuggles and loves.  It makes the bonding so much easier.  I can't imagine trying to bond with a child who is on the go 100% of the time.  It's nothing we're doing - it's just part of his personality.  Thank GOD!

It's a strange, long, winding journey - for sure.  And at the same time, it's a really beautiful thing.

Like I said....it's just, different.  And we're enjoying every minute.

One Thing I Know For Sure: We'll get there.  But in the meantime - we're just relishing in every moment.