"What Happened To You?" - A Stream of Thoughts.

I was cleaning up some files on my laptop recently, and came across this photo.

This photo was sent to us by our facilitators in Ukraine, just weeks after we had initiated the process to adopt Carter (April 2011). As a soon-to-be-mom, all I could think was how sweet his round face was, how sleepy and snuggly he looked, and how I couldn't wait to get him home.

October and November are typically rough months for us.
We met Carter on October 7, 2011.
We passed court in Kiev on October 24, 2011.
We took him home to our apartment in Kiev on November 9, 2011.
We arrived back in America on November 15, 2011.

Something dawned on me this past summer. Silas was about four months old, and I realized he was the same age that Carter was when his birth parents left him at the orphanage. At four months old, Silas was fully aware of his Mommy and Daddy. He was interacting with us, he looked for us, he loved laughing at his brother and sister, and he already was showing signs of 'stranger danger'.

I felt a lump rising in my throat when I realized that Macy, who is now two-and-a-half years old, is still a year younger than Carter was when we adopted him.

From one of our orphanage visits, October 2011

Carter has been 'ours' for six years now. And I'm just starting to feel the pain for the three-and-a-half years he spent in an orphanage.

We often talk about Macy and Silas being little sponges, who just soak up everything around them - the information presented to them, the experiences they live each moment, the things they see and hear and feel. They soak it all up and it's up to us to help them sort it all out.

Carter was a little sponge, too. For three years, he soaked up everything around him. We're just now sorting it out.

When I was filling up my gas tank the other day, the air was cool and crisp and just a little damp. The truck that was idling next to me gave off some exhaust. The gas station attendant on his break had just lit a cig. And I was taken back to Ukraine. My heart used to long to go back.

I don't long for Ukraine anymore. I grieve for how Ukraine altered our journey.

I often wonder who Carter is without the layers of trauma. I often wonder how long I'll be grieving the loss of that Carter. I often wonder if I'll ever stop hoping that he'll wake up and be healthy and whole.

Recently, our county case worker and I were having a discussion about trauma. She mentioned that they've been having more frequent trainings about trauma, and even schools are recognizing the role trauma plays in the lives of so many kids. She said "One course changed my thinking from 'what's wrong with you?' to 'what happened to you?'"

What happened to you, sweet boy?

From one of our orphanage visits, November 2011

From a blog I posted after a week or so of meeting Carter:
"Do we love him? Yes. Undoubtedly, yes. Not because he fits our expectations - but because we have chosen to love him, DESPITE our expectations. We know there will be difficult, awkward days ahead. That's okay. Love is a choice, we believe. It's not an emotion or a feeling. No - it's an ACT. And we'll choose to love him - hard or easy, fast or slow, up or down."

This is our story. Choosing to love a boy who had so much happen to him.

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Carter brings an incredible value to our family, and we are thankful every day for how he's impacted our lives.

The thoughts that I share in this post are me, being vulnerable and genuine.

We used to excitedly celebrate all the Adoption Dates in October & November. We don't really celebrate those dates, anymore. Now we just celebrate Carter, and the growth that he's worked so damn hard for.

One Thing I Know For Sure: Loving him, more every day.