The year ahead is going to be crazy. I know you don't believe me right now, but it's going to be hard. And messy. And sometimes scary. But I promise you, it will be okay.
Hug Moses tight, and stop yelling at him so much when he's naughty. Just let him be the goofy, crazy dog that he is. And Ashley - take lots of pictures of him. Jake - take him up north. And maybe take him to the Sand Pit one last time.
Yes, I said 'one last time'. It's okay, guys. You'll cry. A lot. I know he's only four. It will be okay.
On Valentines Day, you're going to receive an important phone call. One that will change your lives. Tip #1: Don't blame yourself, Ashley. Don't believe that 'if only you had called him...' or 'if things had been better...' the outcome would be different. It wouldn't be. It's not your fault. It's never been your fault - the alcoholism, the mental illness, the depression - it's not because of what you didn't do.
Tip #2: Cry. Throw a fit. Get upset. It's what you're supposed to do in times like this. It's normal & healthy, even when you're detached from the situation. Remember him for what you loved about him. There were things that you loved about him. There are songs that remind you of him. There was good stuff. Don't believe that because he was sick, it's not as hard. It's hard. Cry.
There is some good news, guys. You've been waiting so long to move your little family to Winneconne. Guess what?! This is the year. I know you think your house will be on the market forever & ever. You're about to be shocked. Enjoy the whole process, it's going to be a crazy adventure.
There's more, but part of the lesson is in the surprise.
Guys, I know it seems like a killer year is ahead. But I promise, I promise, that one year from now you will be sitting on that little picnic table, on your little beach, with your little boy playing in the water, and you'll be happy. You'll be okay. You'll be changed.
And you'll say 'what a year' - and you'll get up and move on.
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I hope I don't sound sad and depressed. I'm not. It's just been good to reflect on the past year, and document accordingly. Jake was just saying that this is what we do on vacation. It's our marker. Our landmark by which everything else is charted. It's like our New Years Eve.
A few favorites from the past 5 days.....
{See, guys, life may be different - but still so very good. I promise.}
These are pictures of my camera's viewfinder, using my phone, sent via email to this little blog. Because that's how we do it in the north woods.
See you in a few days. Trying not to think about packing/carter getting tubes in his ears/moving/back to school kind of weeks ahead!
One Thing I Know For Sure: Vacation. Good stuff.
Thanks for your post and being so open and honest. And you are right about it not being your fault. You couldn't have changed things. It's okay to cry, etc. I know he loved you. I know that sometimes the illness got in the way of things.. but continue to remember the good things!
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you are blessed with Jake and Carter and many other family members. It sounds like you'll be moving to a terrific place. Take care. Tammy R.
This is a good idea, writing a letter to yourself as a way to chronicle the year. Glad things are getting better. (I can completely relate to the paragraph about the mental illness and depression. I read that one twice.)
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