Enough?

I can't believe it.  I almost don't want to believe it.  The time has come for this little boy to leave his mama for a few hours each morning.  Two weeks from today, Carter will start school.

I know, it's just a few hours each morning.  I know, he needs it.  I know, he's ready.  And I think I'm even a little bit ready.

But this is a little hard for me.  He's our first - and so far, he's our only.  In my mind, I thought I'd have 3 or 4 years to love and prepare and nurture and protect and guide our babies before sending them off to school.

Not 9 months.

When I lay in bed at night and think about this little boy starting school, I feel mostly excited.  Mostly hopeful.  Mostly blessed.  But also a little bit terrified.

I've had 9 months.  Nine months, and what have I done with it?
Did I love him enough?
Did we laugh enough?
Did I sing to him enough?
Did he get enough hugs?
What about kisses?  Did he get enough of those?
Did I snuggle him enough?
Did I spend enough time telling him how he's made our lives a million times better?

And then I wonder if I yelled too much.
Or if I spent too much time cleaning, and not enough time reading books with a little body in my lap.
Did I seem annoyed when he brought me that singing bear for the 82nd time in a row?
Or how did I respond when he asked me to go outside, and I was working on something 'important'?

No such thing as a perfect mama, I know.  But moving from one season of our lives to another should make us stop and reflect.  I've been doing a whole lot of reflecting.  And looking back, I can say that there are so many things I would do differently.  Moving forward, I need to be better about living in the here & now.  The dishes - the dog hair on the floor - the books scattered throughout the living room...those things aren't going anywhere (unfortunately...!).

More time being mama - less time being homemaker.

Being a mommy to littles is so very hard.  I want to be everything for him - but yet I know it's just not possible.  I want to make sure he's happy all the time - but yet I know that's not what's best for him.

At the end of the day, when I lay my head down on my pillow, I will always have "what if..." and "I should have...." and "why did I...." running through this little brain.  It's inevitable.  But sometimes, it's okay to say "I could have done better."  and even "I need to do better.".

As this new season starts - for us, and for you (I'm sure you're busy readying backpacks and school supplies, too...) - let's reflect, and agree that sometimes we just need to do better.  And lets do it together.  Because this mommy stuff is hard.  And we need each other.

Feel a little better?  I do.  Thanks, friend.

One Thing I Know For Sure: Please tell me it gets easier.....