Thursday, May 05, 2011

"But, what if...."

So...this is it.  Up to this point, it felt like we were just 'talking about' this.  Like there was still a chance it wouldn't happen.  I'd say we're at the point of no return. 

We had our first homestudy visit on Tuesday night.  It was completely perfect.  Better than we could have planned.  Even Moses cooperated! 

In fact, everything has been perfect.  Everything.  The remodeling is almost finished, and everything is turning out even better than we had expected.  Jake has been a total gem.  We were looking for a misplaced document the other day (which still has not been located.....), and I thought for sure he was furious.  Instead - he said "well...I need to be more organized.  I'll find it.".  Total gem. 

Yesterday, my hours at work officially cut to 'part time'.  I'm still going to be working 33 hours a week...but there just haven't been enough hours in the day to get everything done.  So - I'm done at 1:00...and even Moses seems happier. 

So - back to 'the point of no return'.  When we first started this process, I just couldn't believe we were doing this.  "Are you sure?"  I would keep asking Jake.  "Please - if you're going to change your mind, do it now...".  And now - the homestudy is near finished, dossier documents are being faxed, i600a is compiled, benefits are being planned (and showers!)....and I'm getting the jitters. 

Are we doing the right thing?  I mean - I know this is the right thing for Carter.  But is this really the right thing for us?  Have we really thought this through?  Have we really prayed about this as much as we should?  Shouldn't we have done things like everyone else, and just had a baby the old fashioned way?

 And then come the what-ifs..........

what if we don't raise our funds?
what if his country closes before we can get to him?
what if this is the hardest thing we ever do?
what if this is more work than we can handle?
what if he's more low functioning than we think?
what if he's more low functioning than we want?
what if he has more medical concerns?
what if he doesn't bond to us when we meet him?
what if we don't bond to him when we meet him?
what if our families don't accept him like they would a newborn?
what if he's not walking?
what if friends shy away because they don't know how to act around him?
what if family shys away because they don't know how to act around him?
what if our other children won't get the attention they need, because he'll get so much of it?
what if our marriage suffers because of his disability?
what if this isolates us from our community/church/family/friends?
what if we are never, ever the same?

what if we are never, ever the same?
what if this is the biggest blessing we ever receive?
what if this is the best thing that will ever happen to our marriage?
what if he brings us closer to everyone around us?
what if he teaches us how to love?
what if he teaches our other children lessons that they'll never learn elsewhere?
what if...

what if...we just take one step from where we are, and watch God be glorified in our lives?

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us...but to your name be the glory, for your unfailing love & faithfulness"
Psalm 115:1

The 'what if's' will come & go...I'm sure.  But we just have this feeling that this journey is about so much more than us - or even Carter.  I don't know what that means...but something is brewing.  My heart is heavy - and Satan is on the prowl.  Yes, something is definately brewing.

 "God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."  Ephesians 6:10-12 The Message

One Thing I Know For Sure:  I've got my boxing gloves on....

1 comment:

  1. Amen to the boxing gloves! :-)

    And yes, this most likely WILL be the hardest thing you've ever done, but most likely it WILL bring the greatest blessing.

    Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. I've never felt I could be completely honest about some of those things on my blog due to who in our family reads the posts (via email anyway). I don't want to give more "ammunition" if you will...oh pride too. I'm quite sure that's part of it too!


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