Tuesday, October 24, 2017

"What Happened To You?" - A Stream of Thoughts.

I was cleaning up some files on my laptop recently, and came across this photo.


This photo was sent to us by our facilitators in Ukraine, just weeks after we had initiated the process to adopt Carter (April 2011). As a soon-to-be-mom, all I could think was how sweet his round face was, how sleepy and snuggly he looked, and how I couldn't wait to get him home.

October and November are typically rough months for us.
We met Carter on October 7, 2011.
We passed court in Kiev on October 24, 2011.
We took him home to our apartment in Kiev on November 9, 2011.
We arrived back in America on November 15, 2011.

Something dawned on me this past summer. Silas was about four months old, and I realized he was the same age that Carter was when his birth parents left him at the orphanage. At four months old, Silas was fully aware of his Mommy and Daddy. He was interacting with us, he looked for us, he loved laughing at his brother and sister, and he already was showing signs of 'stranger danger'.

I felt a lump rising in my throat when I realized that Macy, who is now two-and-a-half years old, is still a year younger than Carter was when we adopted him.

From one of our orphanage visits, October 2011
Carter has been 'ours' for six years now. And I'm just starting to feel the pain for the three-and-a-half years he spent in an orphanage.

We often talk about Macy and Silas being little sponges, who just soak up everything around them - the information presented to them, the experiences they live each moment, the things they see and hear and feel. They soak it all up and it's up to us to help them sort it all out.

Carter was a little sponge, too. For three years, he soaked up everything around him. We're just now sorting it out.

When I was filling up my gas tank the other day, the air was cool and crisp and just a little damp. The truck that was idling next to me gave off some exhaust. The gas station attendant on his break had just lit a cig. And I was taken back to Ukraine. My heart used to long to go back.

I don't long for Ukraine anymore. I grieve for how Ukraine altered our journey.

I often wonder who Carter is without the layers of trauma. I often wonder how long I'll be grieving the loss of that Carter. I often wonder if I'll ever stop hoping that he'll wake up and be healthy and whole.

Recently, our county case worker and I were having a discussion about trauma. She mentioned that they've been having more frequent trainings about trauma, and even schools are recognizing the role trauma plays in the lives of so many kids. She said "One course changed my thinking from 'what's wrong with you?' to 'what happened to you?'"

What happened to you, sweet boy?

From one of our orphanage visits, November 2011

From a blog I posted after a week or so of meeting Carter:
"Do we love him? Yes. Undoubtedly, yes. Not because he fits our expectations - but because we have chosen to love him, DESPITE our expectations. We know there will be difficult, awkward days ahead. That's okay. Love is a choice, we believe. It's not an emotion or a feeling. No - it's an ACT. And we'll choose to love him - hard or easy, fast or slow, up or down."

This is our story. Choosing to love a boy who had so much happen to him.

++++++++

Carter brings an incredible value to our family, and we are thankful every day for how he's impacted our lives.


The thoughts that I share in this post are me, being vulnerable and genuine.

We used to excitedly celebrate all the Adoption Dates in October & November. We don't really celebrate those dates, anymore. Now we just celebrate Carter, and the growth that he's worked so damn hard for.

One Thing I Know For Sure: Loving him, more every day.



Friday, October 06, 2017

To the Givers, the Carers, the Lovers (on Our Summer of Freedom, and Third Grade)

One photo is all this post needs.


This was our summer, in a nutshell.

I've been learning that for our family to function at it's best, we need help.

In the past, I've fallen into the trap of comparing our family to other families.
"They don't need people to help them at church..."
"They don't need to keep the bathroom door and the baby's room door closed at all times..."
"They don't need grandma to take two-thirds of their kids for a day so they can have a break..."
"They don't need baby gates to block off the kitchen..."
"They don't need to divide the kids up to two separate houses in order to get a date night..."
"They don't need to keep their bedroom door locked..."

But no. We aren't like other families. We need lots of help. From lots of people. Without help, we can get by. We can struggle through. We can survive.

We don't want to just survive, so we ask for help.

We've had very little help in the way of respite - and this summer, we decided to dive in and try it out.  Because - I'm just going to be frank - life with Carter is special and wonderful, but damn hard.

Carter is a little light in our house - bright and refreshing.  But sometimes we just want to turn the light out for a little while and give our eyes a rest.

As I prepared for summer - I couldn't imagine an entire summer with this bright light shining in my eyeballs, 24/7. Add in two other little (less-bright, less-intense) lights, and I knew we needed more help.

So this summer, Angell came for 4 to 6 hours per day, on 3 to 4 days per week. Carter had respite.

We all had respite.

Our goal for respite was for Carter to have meaningful fun. When we developed this goal in the spring, I was still hesitant and not sure how Carter would fill his time. All I could think of was therapy (which has been over for almost a year) and I didn't want his summer to look like therapy at all.

Looking back, this was the summer of our dreams. Carter went on amazing adventures with someone who truly understands him, and leads him, and loves him. He did things that were fun an exciting for him. He played, a lot. He swam, a lot. Freedom.

And guess what? Carter learned. Carter grew.

And so did I.


This is our vision for Carter's future. Meaningful fun. Bringing the joy. Connections and relationships with those who understand him and want him to be successful.

Freedom!

This summer helped me realize that Carter CAN be passed off to other qualified adults to go on excursions. Carter CAN go to speech, occupational therapy, a restaurant, the park, the pool, EAA with someone else and have an amazing time.

Just, basically, Carter CAN.

And guess what else? Carter came home from each outing feeling special and adored. And when he came home, I had more energy to pour into him. This is what respite did for us.

Respite may have saved me from myself.

Our summer of freedom.

Thanks, Angell.

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There's more!

Throughout the summer, other people put their arms around us and said "Me! Pick me! I want to help! How can we share in your burden?".

Some took Carter for an entire day, so I could focus on Macy and Silas.
Some took Macy and Silas for the day so I could focus on other things.
Some came here to watch Macy and Silas so I could run errands.
Some washed windows - put away dishes - washed floors - watered flowers.
Some folded laundry while they sat at our table during lunch.
Some helped us understand Carter's new food sensitivities (long story!) and helped us develop a plan.
Some offered to grab groceries for us.
So many brought fun and joy into our lives, during what could have been a very trying season.

Really, this is what happened when I learned to ask for more help.

We could probably do this without you all, but we don't want to.

++++++++

Summer is gone, and we're one month into school. There are big changes for Carter this year, and he's handling them like a champ (well, duh). He's with some new people who are genuinely working to understand him and who he is as a person. He's somebody worth figuring out, and they recognize that.

I guess this is a good place to end.

Being understood & felt. What more is there to say?

One Thing I Know For Sure: To the Givers, the Carers, the Lovers - we need you!




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